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The Development Of Childhood
Sexuality
by Marina Torres, Child Development
and Education Specialist
There needs to be distinction between sex education and sexuality
education. Sexuality education involves helping child to understand
who he is as a person, helping the child to develop a healthy
self-concept, and healthy relationships within the family and with
other people and using all this information to make healthy choices
for oneself. Sex education involves knowing the facts. Parents and
caregivers need to begin with sexuality.
Old View: -Sex was considered something that should be
talked about only as a child neared puberty. Too often parents sat
with their child just once- if at all (offer some roughly sketched
facts)
New View: - Sex education is really broader than sex. It
must include discussions about health, love, trust and should foster
an appreciation of the body. Parents need to address these topics
early on -and always appear open to answering questions. Sex
education shouldn't wait until a child asks where babies come from.
It should begin from almost day one
WHEN SHOULD PARENTS START SEX EDUCATION
Adults today, especially parents, are encouraged to answer
children's questions about sex and babies. However, many are
uncomfortable talking with children about these topics. How do you
answer children's questions about sexual differences and where
babies come from? Are you ready to deal with these questions? Do we
understand the development of sexuality in children to recognise
appropriate behaviour?
Children between ages of 3 and 6 are attracted spiritually and
physically to the parent of the opposite sex. This is considered
normal - children desire to see and touch their parents. Children
declare their intention to marry their parents. Children's budding
interest and curiosity are all signs of normal development.
Around the age of 4, the preschool child begins to show avid
interest in basic sexuality, both his own and that of the opposite
sex. Children begin to recognise and understand the differences
between boys and girls, masculine and feminine.
Sexuality is a matter of open preoccupation of 4 to 5 year olds
grappling with the meaning of genital differences, wanting to marry
parents of opposite sex and having babies. So-called dirty words of
the faecal sort crop up at about 4 years of age, when many children
become deliberately cocky. At this stage, children are developing a
primitive sense of humour and they tend to exhibit their
preoccupation with sexuality in their jokes. They love playing with
words - words are literally dirty in the sense concerned with bowel
function. Dirty jokes of 4 year old - not very dirty or funny but
geared to "jolly insult". Peers laugh uproariously as they trade
"You're a big BM etc."
6-12 year olds may or may not know the meaning of the words but
know they are naughty. Many want to touch body parts of parents - if
you are uncomfortable - " I see you want to touch mummy's breasts.
All boys have feelings like that, but mothers don't let their boys
do that because they want their breasts to be private." The parents'
sense of what is appropriate keeps them from letting children go too
far. Hugging and kissing are okay. Prolonged nighttime contact in
bed can lead to an intense relationship that may be hard to dissolve
later when it is time for the child to fall in love with a peer.
Parents can manage children's excessive touching by changing their
bodily position casually or distracting the child. Be aware that
parental nudity can be disturbing to some children.
Gradual repression of sexual interests at 6 or 7 years and
beyond. At this time children begin to adopt socially appropriate
behaviours as regards their sexuality. They become aware of the fact
that private parts are exactly that. However, as sexual interest
becomes more forbidden in 6-12 year old period, the urge to joke
about sex or use it for shocking effect becomes greater. At this
age, children also turning away from parents as role models and
trying to be like their contemporaries in behaviour of all kinds
such as:- unappetizing table manners, slovenly personal appearance,
ungrammatical language, dirty words. As with everything else, some
children are late developers and therefore their interest in their
sexuality and that of others may peak well after their peers. This
is quite normal.
Havighurst: Learning Sex Differences & Sexual Modesty
The child is early made aware of the sexual differences of the human
species. He observes behaviour differences between the sexes and
very early is taught to behave like a boy or girl, as the case may
be. Very soon he learns that there are bodily differences between
boy and girl, and in some societies he must learn to cover his
genital organs. Since the genital organs are areas of pleasure, even
to the young child, and since the older people are so much
interested in sexual differences and sexual behaviour, the child
learns to fix a great deal of attention on his own and the other
people's sexual organs.
The kinds of sexual behaviour he learns and the attitudes and
feelings he develops about sex in these early years probably have an
abiding effect on his sexuality throughout his life.
Jan Faull, a child development and behaviour specialist, is in
her 20thyear as a parent education instructor and public speaker.
She is also the author of the recently published book MOMMY I
HAVE TO GO POTTY: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO TOILET TRAINING( Raefield
& Roberts).
The best way to think about sex education is that it starts the
day a child is born. Infants feel the difference between Mom and
Dad; Mom has soft breasts to lie on, Dad is more muscular. Daddy's
voice is deeper, Mommy's is higher. People of the opposite sex smell
different from one another, too. Toddlers notice that bodies of men
and women, boys and girls, work, move and are shaped differently.
Therefore, when you open the topic of sexual functioning and
reproduction, you are not introducing a topic that has never crossed
the child's mind.
MORE THAN A TALK
It is important to remember that sex education is not a clinical
undertaking involving anatomical facts. When you talk to a child
about how babies grow inside a woman's uterus, or how body parts
function, you are conveying your values about sexual activity and
responsibility.
Sex education is also not a one-time "talk" that is finished
within 15 minutes. The topic will come up again and again: when a
child sees a TV program about rape ; when the neighbour's cat gives
birth; when a boy wonders about those tampons in the bathroom
cabinet. It is a parent's job to seize the opportunities that come
up in daily life to teach his or her children about sexuality.
KEEP IT BRIEF
When your child has a question about sex, give honest, short answers
and be aware that he or she probably would not grasp every concept
no matter how carefully you phrase your information. Do not worry.
By addressing the subject and being responsive to your children's
curiosity you are letting them know you are their best source of
information. They will come to you when they hear confusing
information instead of consulting with playmates.
Make sure your children know, however, that although your family
is comfortable talking about sexual issues, others do not welcome
such conversations. Tell them they should confine their questions
about sex to their own family members for the time being.
HOW TO HANDLE A DIRECT QUERY
When your child asks a straightforward question, give a
straightforward answer:" A virgin is a person who has never had
sexual intercourse." If he or she asks what sexual intercourse is,
answer that question, too. Parents have to satisfy their children's
curiosity in a way that reflects their own values, of course, and
here are a couple of examples of ways to answer that question about
love making: • "Sexual intercourse takes place between a man and a
woman who are married and love each other. When a husband and a wife
are having sex, the wife invites her husband to put his penis into
her vagina."
- "Sexual intercourse takes place between two consulting
adults. During intercourse, man's penis goes into the woman's
vagina. People engage in sexual activity because it is an
intimate, physical way to express their love. From sexual
intercourse a baby can start growing in the woman's uterus."
Keep these three points in mind when responding to questions
about sex:
- Be glad your child is coming to you with questions. If
parents would not tell them, children go elsewhere to learn
about sexuality.
- Use correct terminology: Your child points to the
lower part of the ear and say’s, “What that?” You respond,
“That’s an earlobe.” If your child asks about a penis, breast or
vagina, use accurate words for these body parts, too. Do not be
vague when it comes to sex questions.
- If you do not answer perfectly the first time, it’s
OK. You can always go back and restart your answer later. If you
are embarrassed, that’s okay, too. In time, you will overcome
this.
The job of sex education rests on the parents shoulders. 90 % of
sex education occurs outside of the classroom. |
