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Minding a Marriage
By Marina Torres, Child Development and Education
Specialist
Today one gets the feeling that marriage is neither popular nor
able to withstand the assaults of daily living. Recent reports
indicate lower numbers of marriages and higher rates of divorce both
locally and internationally. Research attributes this trend partly
to fact that more women are delaying marriage for higher levels of
education and success in their career.
Societal expectations for the roles of men and women in marriage
also impact on the success of marriages. For instance, there is the
myth that a woman who is well qualified and earning in the high
income bracket is less likely to work on difficulties in her
marriage, and may be more likely to leave the relationship since she
has her own source of income. Popular culture also assumes that a
man is more likely to be threatened by a woman’s ability to earn
more income than he does and this can lead to conflict, power issues
and misinterpretation of each other’s behaviour.
However, research shows that there are a lot of positives to
being married. Married couples tend to have a better sense of
wellbeing and tend to be healthier emotionally and spiritually. It
appears that not just companionship, but healthy communication and
learning to work things out together is good for the heart, mind,
soul and the marriage.
Many marriages work and last over the years as the individuals
grow and go through personal as well as couple issues. Choice of
spouse is one of the key reasons. A poor choice of mate can lead to
marital conflict. Choosing a lifetime mate is an important decision
that requires time and clarity of mind. Before choosing to marry, we
should have an idea of what we want in a spouse - values, goals,
principles and beliefs. In addition, we must be comfortable with our
individual selves. Too often people get married expecting a spouse
to make them happy and complete them, only to be disappointed later
on.
Good marriages become successful when couples have strong
principles, an absolute belief in a supreme being who governs their
life, a willingness to communicate despite the possible conflict
that may arise, and a genuine love and commitment to work things out
and see things through no matter how difficult.
Good marriages become stronger as couples grow to love each
other, as the love relationship matures. This is more than romantic
love or warm personal affection. This is referred to as ‘agape’ - it
is the love that God is. It is the love governed by principles - an
unselfish concern for doing good to another – unconditional love.
Couples need to cultivate this mature love for each other that would
help them to be accepting and understanding of the faults, mistakes
and imperfections that makes us human. This agape/mature love helps
the couple to focus on what is important especially during the
difficult times.
The level of intimacy also impacts on the health of the marriage.
Babies who are touched, hugged, kissed and cuddled strive well and
are generally contented. Adults have similar needs in relationships,
and these intimate interactions assist in building a warm and deep
affection for each other as well as passionate love. In addition,
touching causes the production of certain hormones in the body,
which enhance a person’s health as well as their general wellbeing.
We are not easily upset because we have an overall good feeling deep
inside. We are able to sit and work through the very difficult times
or agree to seek help because we care about this person deeply, even
though our faith has been shaken by things the other person may have
done.
A good marriage requires from the couple a sound commitment to a
lasting and permanent relationship - A sense that we are in this
together because we love each other, because we care about each
other, because we recognize and respect each other as individuals as
well as part of the couple relationship and because we are prepared
to work at the relationship both as individuals and as a couple. As
a result, we are more likely to try to keep the lines of
communication open and listen respectfully to each other.
However, good marriages also have troublesome times - times when
the finances cannot meet the expenses of the marriage, a spouse
loses a job, or is not happy with their individual development or
has hurt the other spouse seriously by his or her actions. Conflict
also arises when partners fail to pay attention to the little things
that are important to each other. Small problems grow bigger quietly
and finally get to the point that they seem insurmountable. At those
times, we may feel that we cannot stay with the marriage and work
things out; we feel that we cannot trust this person anymore,
because we have been saying no to our needs and feelings for so
long. |
