|
Nagging
Why it doesn’t work: Although I don’t recall what
triggered it, I clearly remember how I felt the first time I
uttered, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.”
The reason I remember it so well is that I’d just given a talk to a
group of parents in which I discussed the total uselessness of those
words. And there I was, saying them to my own son!
A phrase like that contains its own admission of defeat. If we
really have told our children to do something a thousand times – and
often it feels that way – what makes us think that the
one-thousand-and-first time will make any difference?
Sometimes a child who’s nagged will actually leave her muddy
shoes outside, feed the goldfish, or remember to brush her teeth
before bed. The occasional success makes us want to do it again and
again. In other words, we nag because our kids sometimes do listen,
even if they complain about it.
Another reason we nag is that we care about our children. Much
wheedling has to do with things that are for their, rather than our
own, benefit. That’s why we bug them to wear their mittens, eat
their vegetables, and work on their handwriting.
And many times we just don’t know what else to do. Nagging is
often reflexive – something we do without even thinking.
To Break the habit: We all tend to nag in certain
situations or about certain things more than others, so the first
key, as with yelling, is to catch the triggers before they have a
chance to act on us.
Then figure out alternatives to nagging. In some cases, that
might mean making the conscious decision not to worry about certain
problems – in other words, choosing your battles. Forgetting to put
the cap back on the toothpaste tube probably isn’t worth making a
fuss over.
It might also mean coming up with creative ways to get your
message across. It’s never too late to break a parenting practice
that’s ineffective or hurtful. And it can be surprisingly easy –
often it just takes a small change here to there. But those small
changes can make a big – and positive – impact on the relationship
you have with your child. So they’re well worth the effort.
Source: Lawrence Kutner, parenting magazine October 2001
Barbara King October, 2001
|
