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Parents Trustees
of the future
By Barbara King
An address given
to the AGM of the Port of Spain branch of the National Parent
Teachers Association, published in October 2002 issue of Parenting
Support
Parents are good
people. They love their children and want the best for them. Even
those who are not functioning well as parents are doing the best
they can, given their history and circumstances. I have been
interacting with parents for more than 25 years now, and I have yet
to see an exception.
Parenting is a
tremendous responsibility for which most people are untrained, many
are unprepared and few are truly qualified. I have been thinking
about this topic of Parents – trustees of the future for some
weeks. And since I’m a teacher of English, I started with
definitions. According to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary a
Trustee is–
- one to whom
something is entrusted
- a natural or
legal person to whom (a child) is legally committed to be administered for the benefit of (society).
To
ad•min•is•ter means
- to manage or
supervise the conduct of. So, the parent can be seen as one to whom
the child is entrusted. When one is entrusted with a thing or
a task that suggests that you are believed capable, trustworthy,
responsible, reliable.
Can that always
be said of those who become parents? Certainly no. However, I’m not
sure that even the best-prepared or most equipped person is
guaranteed to be a good enough parent. I suspect that higher forces
provide the task of parenting for the growth and development of the
parents as well as for the child. Because we grow into being
good enough or effective parents as we go along.
The task of the
parent is to manage or supervise the conduct of the child –
for the benefit of the society or the world at large. Parents
are entrusted with the well-being, the success of the future
society, because the children we are raising today will be the
society of the future. All the children we are entrusted with
today, should they live to reach adulthood, will be the society of
tomorrow- presidents, ministers, mothers, fathers, stars, bandits,
murderers, hackers, world leaders, mother Theresas, civil servants
etc. They will be our caregivers in our senior years.
They will provide our pension increases, our social services, they
will be our nurses.
That says a lot
about the responsibility of parents.
I have come to
realize that this task of parenting, is so important, so vital to
our future as families, as a nation, to our world’s future and our
future as a species, that most of us just can’t grasp the enormity
of it all. I certainly can’t. It’s like trying to grasp the concept
of a God who is present in every square inch of the universe, and
beyond. What a parent does with or says to a child in his or her
care has an impact far beyond our imagination. As parents we are
powerful, influential, far-reaching. That power is so subtle it can
be frightening.
As trustees of
the future what we do and say in our homes is creating the future,
whether it is what will happen in the next hour, day, year, decade
or even century. The attitudes we adopt, what we hold as important,
the values we demonstrate – for life, harmony, respect and humanity
above possessions - all these things leave our homes with our
children. This is understood to varying degrees by parents. And, for
the most part, it would seem that it is not understood or
appreciated. Many of us do not even begin to understand or keep in
our consciousness, the fact that what we do leaves a lasting imprint
on our children. Why is that?
Why are we not
able to see our own power?
For me the answer
would seem to be – that we don’t know we are powerful. In
practice, we do not experience ourselves as powerful often enough
for us to believe the theory. If we parents are so powerful, so
important, influential, far-reaching etc. why isn’t there a Ministry
of Parenting or Family Development, a Parent’s Union, A National
Parenting Council, Parent’s National Movement, a code of ethics for
parents? Why is such a powerful segment of society so seemingly
impotent in public life?
I know many
people who are confident and competent in their professional life.
They ooze confidence as they move through their work world. Yet,
when it comes to their parenting life, that confidence disappears.
They are either timid or unnecessarily aggressive in the face of
teachers, other parents and even their children.
What is
EMPOWERMENT?
According to:
Mike Applegarth and Keith Posner, in Empowerment Pocketbook, There
are 3 states of empowerment. People are either:
- Empowered – where they have the freedom
to act within known boundaries to achieve agreed outcomes
- Disempowered – where the freedom they once
enjoyed has been taken away, or
- Unempowered – where the freedom has never
been granted in the first place or where they are not aware that it
exists.
From my
experience, in our role of parent, while we may feel empowered in
our home territory, many times or much of the time we fall into the
last two categories.
A disempowered
parent is the divorced father, whose children are in the custody of
the mother - who limits visits; the parent who is told to drop the
child at the school gate and make an appointment if he/she wants to
see the teacher or to call before visiting the school.
The unempowered
parent is the one who goes to a PTA meeting in the vain hope of
seeing her child’s teacher, the parent who has to choose between
going to work and tending her sick child; the father who must wait
outside the delivery room as his wife labours to bring his child
into the world.
The disempowered
and unempowered
Think for a
moment of systems where a group of people are disempowered or
unempowered. Think slavery, women in Afghanistan or those submitted
to female genital mutilation. Think of children who are sent to
prostitute themselves to feed their family. What are some of the
characteristics of these groups?
- They have no
voice
Parents do not
have a voice as a group. Who lobbies for the benefit of parents? If
parents were empowered there would be a board of censors that
demanded limitations on the kinds of programmes shown on television,
in the cinemas, the songs played on the radio at times when children
listen.
- They provide
a service for which they are poorly paid or not paid at all.
If
parents were empowered surely, the work of mothers and fathers who
are homemakers would be recognized, remunerated, supported and
respected.
- They/their
work is not given recognition.
How many
employers see employees as parents who work rather than just
a workforce or “hands”? How many provide on-site childcare,
family-friendly work schedules, play space for children? Paternity
leave?
- They are
unaware of their rights or have no accepted rights
Where parents are
empowered, every school is accountable to the parents. There are
regular parent-teacher conferences where the progress and
development of the child are discussed in a meaningful way. Teachers
and parents are allies working to make schools exciting centres for
learning at all ages.
If parents were
empowered no parent would have to loose a day’s pay because s/he
stayed home to take care of her/his sick child. Fathers would be
embraced as an important part of the birthing process.
- They come to
feel they have no right to better treatment
Parents have the
feeling that child-rearing is their responsibility alone and they
must struggle to “make it”. But child rearing has a national and
international impact; it is a service (or disservice) to the
country. Many parents cannot conceive of ways in which the nation or
government could be more supportive of them as parents.
- The group
has a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness
Which parent
hasn’t had the feeling at one time or another of being a victim of
the education system, of being alone and unsupported with no one to
turn to for advice or help? How many would even consider asking for
or taking offered help? If parents had power in this country, there
would be Family Centres with counsellors, legal advisors, and staff
to advise individuals on sources of assistance.
How do parents
become empowered in a real way?
Like any other
“oppressed” group we have to:
- First, empower
the self. Recognize and value and the importance of the task we
do. Maintain the consciousness that we are trustees of the future,
and know the rights and responsibilities that go with it. If we
don’t know our rights as parents, create some. We must voice our
concerns and complaints.
- Empower
other parents.
Educate all
parents about the above and visibly respect other parents. We do
this by speaking up for ourselves, by countering the negative
statements made in the media about parents and affirming the good
work of great parents.
- Set
standards, goals and limits for parents. We must monitor our
practices and provide guidance and support for those who do not or
cannot uphold or meet those standards.
- Finally, we
need to unite and work together toward improved parenting
nationally. We need to voice the needs and concerns of those who
cannot speak for themselves and steer a course together for the
future we want.
Parents are creators. If we take guidance
from the Supreme Creator, we can only realize a future of beauty
that serves the well-being of every human being. |
