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Supporting children
emotionally
By Marilyn Atherley PhD
Recently one of my daughter’s friends died. He was twelve years
old. He was knocked down by a car while crossing the street. From
the minute she told me the news I began to think about what she
would need to emotionally support her through this. I felt that this
was a unique situation and that I had to think well and do the right
things. That was not easy for me.
One of the things I have learned, especially from my children is
that adults don’t always truly know what emotions a young person is
going through. I believe that as we grow older and accumulate more
experiences we do forget how things felt for us when we were their
age. In addition, because of the way the adults around us at the
time reacted to our need as a young person to release our own
emotions, we grow up not really clear about how to heal emotionally.
As a result we misidentify and label young people’s reaction to
emotional hurt as misbehaviour, indiscipline, rudeness, defiance,
oppositional behaviour, and all sorts of other names, even attention
disorder deficit and hyperactivity. In fact we are doing exactly
what was done to us at that age. The labels may be different now but
the practice is the same. Whereas in fact what we are seeing is the
frustration that results from the child not being given the right
space and opportunity and just not knowing how to work through a
hurt.
I have learned how important it is to pay attention to the tone
of voice and the facial expression (especially the rolling of the
eyes) that is their way of signalling that we the adults are not
really understanding how they are experiencing a situation at the
moment. They are every good at letting us know that we are really
responding to a situation with our own perspective which has nothing
to do with them at the moment, if we would only pay attention and
listen well.
For the next few days I committed myself to keeping my mind open
and being available to her however she may need me. And more
importantly, not to let my own feelings of how it should be
interfere with her process of grieving. Too often the teacher,
parent, care giver or any other adult in the child’s life, is too
much influenced by his or her own emotional makeup. To support a
young person through emotional healing really depends on the adult’s
attitude to the young person on a consistent basis. It depends on
the relationship that the adult is able to build with the young
person, being a model of emotional well being and being able to
practice what we preach. For that to happen the adult must have
worked enough on his or her own adultist, classist, and other
patterns that we inevitably carry from growing up in this world.
During the time that my daughter was dealing with the death of
her friend, I observed several things which I made note of for
further use. I noticed that she couldn’t feel the full impact of the
news nor react until she had gone to school the next day and was
with her friends who also had known him. She came home from school
and told me how much she had cried in school that day. I made note
that she could release her feelings when she was among her friends
but not when an adult (such as me) sat her down and tried to probe
it out of her. There must be something about the emotional safety
found among her peers and knowing that someone in some way shares
something of the experience that makes it easier to release. We must
do more in order for young people to really believe that we do in
fact share their emotions.
I also noticed that she would mention him at unexpected moments,
for example, while we were driving in the car. And she would say
little things that she remembered or have thoughts that surprised
me. (A sure signal to me that we “expect” certain things from them).
At those moments I needed to remember that she needed to talk about
it at this particular moment in this particular way and all I had to
do was listen. I couldn’t know what her thoughts were which led up
to this moment. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t need to ask why and
what was she thinking about to “bring this on”. The only
understanding she needed from me then was for me to understand “
here are the thoughts I have that I need to say at this moment”. I
didn’t need to analyse her thinking or direct it in a particular
way.
As time grew closer to the funeral her anxiety grew. But again
she didn’t show it in the “expected” way. She would snap at me for
what appeared simple and unrelated things, she fussed about what she
wanted to wear to the funeral, she didn’t want to make small talk
with me. Her general mood was what we would describe as sour. She
needed time to be quiet to have her own thoughts. I chose to just be
around. I didn’t ask unnecessary questions, I didn’t try to force
her to talk about it. I let her know that I was there and that I was
aware of how difficult it was for her to comprehend and accept the
entire situation. It was important for her to only see me being
patient and understanding for as long as necessary.
I also learned an important lesson about timing. At the funeral
she stayed with her friend’s mother after the church service to go
to the cemetery. I honestly wasn’t sure how she would be when she
returned home and what she would need from me. One look at her as
she came through the door and I could tell that she was not ready to
talk about it. I offered to fix her something to eat and as she sat
in front of the TV I just sat in a chair close by. She didn’t speak
and I didn’t ask. Eventually she fell asleep. It was only much later
that evening when I could detect the shift in the mood and we had
chatted about a few other things that I asked ,”So how was it?”. And
she easily told me all that she saw and experienced then.
I imagine that there will be many more moments in the coming
weeks, and perhaps even months, when she will have feelings attached
to the incident ( sadness, anger, frustration) triggered and her
behaviour may seem unacceptable. I will have to remember then that
she is continuing to work through those feelings. I may have
forgotten the incident and moved on to other things, but it does not
necessarily mean that she has and that it is still not significant
to her. Present behaviour that we observe, in all human beings not
just young people, is not always directly related or a result of
something happening at that moment. Hence we do not have to get
exasperated and ask “Why are you carrying on like that about that
little thing?”
We all carry so much stored up grief, anger, embarrassment and
fear that we weren’t finished working through at any instance, that
it is normal for some of it to re-surface when we least expect it.
Pretending that it doesn’t matter or stuffing it away again is only
putting it away for re-surfacing at another time. But finding the
right ways to help young people get them out effectively and
completely certainly takes patience and good attention from us the
adults. We need to work on our own experiences and stored up
feelings so as to keep them out of the “session” that the young
person needs. |
