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The Touch Taboo: Dads and Daughters
How Dads Can Overcome Awkwardness and Maintain Closeness with Their
Maturing Daughters
By Joe Kelly
Bringing Good Touch Home
The societal picture is one thing, but how can we effectively respond
to the awkward feelings and situations that spring from our own personal
relationships with our daughters? We start by understanding the concept
of good touch.
The best time to lay groundwork for good touch is from our daughter’s
birth all the way through her childhood. We fathers should change
diapers and clothes, burp, rock and tickle our babies and young girls ñ
there are thousands of opportunities (even in the most mundane tasks) to
lovingly touch our children. As your daughter grows, these activities
can be as simple as starting a pillow fight; grooming the dog or
building something together; lying side by side in a hammock to look at
the stars; or taking dad-and-daughter dance lessons.
Our daughters need our fatherly affection, no matter what their ages.
Good touch is physical affection that:
- comforts her
- affirms her as a person
- supports her
- respects and is sensitive to her person and her boundaries
- is given with her permission
- is given freely, with nothing expected in exchange
- helps her feel strong, lovable and able to delight in herself
and
- is not sexual.
Boundaries and Connections
Adolescence brings new challenges for fathers because now we must
hone our sensitivity to our daughters’ emerging body boundaries. Every
adolescent works through body boundary issues such as personal privacy.
But girls’ boundary issues can be more complex than boys’.
Girls learn from us that they are more vulnerable to violation of
their bodies, so they feel an imperative to command their personal
space. At the same time, however, girls put great value on relationships
and being connected to others. This can create a contradictory and
confusing (to you and her both) tug-of-war between her desire for
connection and for separation from danger.
Fortunately, every father or stepfather knows a woman who was once an
adolescent herself. These women can make great coaches when we run up
against our daughters’ unpredictable tug-of-war - especially when it
includes our attempts to be affectionate.
Staying Close
Emotional and physical closeness are mutually reinforcing. Here are
some key principles to help you navigate this tough terrain:
Don’t withdraw. Adolescence is emotionally challenging for
father and daughter. Your daughter may shut the emotional door on you,
and you may be unable to predict when she’ll even accept a hug from you.
That may feel like your daughter is personally rejecting you. Remember,
she’s experimenting with who she is becoming, and one way she does that
is to push off against someone whom she trusts will continue loving her,
even though she sometimes pushes away. So, your task is to hang in
there. Sure your feelings will be hurt sometimes, but pain is part of
parenting, and the worst thing a dad can do is respond to his daughter’s
temporary rejection by abandoning her emotionally or physically.
There’s more to her life than dating. You may think that every
girl is totally boy-crazy, including your daughter. She will have a
natural, compelling interest in her sexuality. But that is not her only
interest; so don’t treat her like it is. Ask about all of her interests
ñ school, girl friends, community activities, sports and other aspects
of her life.
Listen to her. A girl’s voice may be her most important tool.
Do everything you can to encourage her to speak up about her beliefs,
feelings, ideas and passions ñ even when they may make you feel
uncomfortable. Girls today get incredible societal pressure to focus on
their external appearance and to base their behavior on whether or not
it is sexually attractive. As the ‘first man’ in you daughter’s life,
you have tremendous power to counteract those often corrosive cultural
pressures. When you turn the spotlight of your attention and time to her
voice, heart, soul and mind, you demonstrate a vital truth ñ inner
beauty matters most.
Be affectionate, never sexual. We all need affection. No
matter what stretch she’s traveling on her growing-up roller coaster,
your daughter needs you to be in touch with her. It’s often a tough
balance to maintain, but she needs you to both respect her physical
boundaries and to keep on hugging her. Dad’s physical affirmation and
encouragement cements his emotional and verbal affirmation and
encouragement. Yes, she’s growing up, and needs you to honor and help
develop good boundaries around her body. She’s also still your kid, and
needs regular hugs and kisses to feel good about herself.
Joe Kelly is executive director of Dads and Daughters, a national
nonprofit education and advocacy organization, and publisher of the
national newsletter “Daughters: For Parents of Girls.” His new book is
Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your
Daughter When She’s Growing Up So Fast. Kelly and his wife, Nancy
Gruver, are the parents of two adult daughters.
Dads and Daughters (DADs) www.dadsanddaughters.org A US
membership organization for fathers with daughters, DADs provides tools
to strengthen fathers’relationships with their daughters and to
transform the pervasive messages that value our daughters more for how
they look than who they are.
Related Reading: Dads, Daughters and the Protective Instinct
From United Parenting Publications, June 2002. |
