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Just For Fun
Some Jokes to amuse you
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said......... "Clean my house."
The Middle Wife - By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I
loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my
students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures
of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a
snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about
his birthday.
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then
Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate
for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She
walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!"
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back
and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies
down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming
water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten."
"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center! , so there
must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to
her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since
then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another Erica comes along.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry
your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He
addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge
bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says,
confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your
wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own
.......... so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has
to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband
then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you
get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the
Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of
several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next
morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
So You Think YOU'RE Tired?
Forest Gump
The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
walks up to the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself.
The good saint says: "Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you." We
have heard a lot about you. I must let you know however, that the
place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an entrance
examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass
before you can get into heaven.
You need to answer these three questions:
1. How many days of the week begin with T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- that's an easy one. There
are two of them ~ Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes open wide in
surprise: "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but .. I'll give
you credit for that answer."
"How about the second question?" Now, that one's harder," says
Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve." Astounded, St.
Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you
come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be
twelve," Forrest answers, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc." "Hold it" interrupts St.Peter. "I see where you're going with
this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go
on to the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replies, "it's
Andy." "Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I
can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"
"Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all":
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.
St.Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run!"
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